Well that didn’t take long, our second baby isn’t even born yet (not even half way through the pregnancy) and the guilt of favoritism on our first born has already sunk in.
My first pregnancy I threw myself into the world of motherhood with zero hesitation. My days were filled with reading inspirational stories about motherhood on Baby Center, educating myself on baby sign language, testing my skills on diciphering baby cries because DAMN-IT I was going to be a natural. I wasn’t naive, I knew big changes were coming and I was going to do everything in my power to make sure I would be prepared. Visions of a Carol Brady patience level, a Kitty Foreman sense of humor and a Martha Stewart do all the things attitude; it’s what I had set out for my motherhood story.
I read all the books, I only used water-base nail polish, I removed myself from all cleaning duties with harsh chemicals, I tested the degrees in my bath water and when I felt I needed a nap, I took it.
Pregnancy now… HA! is not like that at all. I’ve looked at my Baby Center app once and that was when I was setting up my account, I have no desires to listen to any baby cries even to test my skill set, and sign language, ain’t nobody got time for that. I spend my days keeping up with a child who’s every second sentence is “watch this mom” and I really am only reminded of this growing baby in my belly when a) I get dressed each morning and b) try and scooch my way past Sofia or Sammy in our ensuite bathroom (think motorhome bathroom, but smaller). My days now just don’t allow for the luxury of time I had with my first, and I’m feeling some major guilt in that!
What type of names do I need to drop when I am talking to the big guy who allots time in our days, I need more of it. The mama of multiples guilt has hit and its a feeling I don’t like…
Little person growing inside me, I want you to know I do love you, I think about you every moment I remember to allow my mind to rest, and each time I walk past the fridge (which is more often than not these days) I look at your little picture and feel all the warm and fuzzies just like I did your sister. I may not rub on you as much as I did with your sister, but that’s just because your sister is doing it for me, and daddy may not read to you each night like he did your sister but know this is because he is working extra hard (and sometimes into the night) to ensure that upon your arrival you have everything you need and more. Your sister wakes each morning always talking about you, how excited she is and how she wished you are a boy, unless of course you’re a girl then she can’t wait to go shopping. We talk about you at every meal, mostly Sofia making sure what I’m eating is “good n’ healthy” for you but always about you. We all have so much love to give you and can’t wait for you to get here (but we will, so please don’t get any ideas)! I just need you to know I love you and the moment you enter into this world I will be the best damn mom I can to you and Sofia both; I promise my heart is big enough for two!